"BIFF for Co-Parents" by Eddy, Burns, and Chafin. A Review

 


Though this particular book is targeted to parents who are going through, or have gone through, a divorce/separation with a High Conflict Person (HCP), it has oodles and oodles of application to any relationship with a HCP. Bill Eddy, a lawyer, therapist, mediator, and the co-founder and training director of the High Conflict Institute; Annette Burns, an attorney and a certified Family Law Specialist; and Kevin Chafin,  a mediator and Licensed Professional Counselor, have given parents a wonderful aid in this 223-page paperback, "BIFF for Co-Parent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts". It includes how to navigate the electronic side of things, but really the book maps out many ways to be Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm (BIFF) so as not to get swallowed up in angry and reactionary communications with a HCP.

The first section develops the traits of a HCP, especially their practice of "blamespeak": (1) their preoccupation with blaming others; (2) exhibiting an all-or-nothing thinking; (3) unmanaged emotions; and (4) extreme behavior. The authors then show why being brief, informative, friendly and firm can be a lifesaver in these situations. Part of being BIFF in communications means also avoiding the three "A's" of admonishing, advising, and apologizing. These three chapters are valuable, giving perspective; and can help the person on the receiving end of the HCP's blamespeak!

The final two sections go through multiple examples of using BIFF, topically arranged. From the routine, to education, healthcare, kids activities, the finances, schedules and plans, and social media. The authors give examples of the types of communication one might receive from a HCP, and the way we might want to respond. Then they work through healthier responses, coaching readers step-by-step. They even show how to coach others in this approach, formally or informally. The appendices address boundaries in co-parenting, how to work with your children and help in the relationship with a HCP, and then ways to calm an upset person using Empathy, Attention and Respect (EAR).

The authors bring in their legal and therapeutic expertise to lend a hand to men and women in a high conflict environment and relationship. The High Conflict Institute has scads of material and courses to give employers, spouses, and relatives tools for dealing with a HCP in most venues. This volume is focused on co-parenting, and spot-on. I highly recommend the book. 

Pick up the book here: https://www.unhookedmedia.com/stock/biff-for-coparents 

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